Hypnotherapy and NLP treatments for NPD, and Controlling partners, domestic physical and psychological abuse
This is not meant to be a diagnosis, but just to give a sense of, whether someone MIGHT be on the spectrum of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Or at least cause you to look clearly at a toxic relationship or abusive one.
9 official signs of NPD or at least causes to re-evaluate your relationship
If there are 5 or more that you can recognise chances are they are at least on the spectrum of Narcissistic Personality Disorder or at least are controlling. In any case even one of these signs could be a good reason to re-evaluate your relationship.
- A grandiose sense of their self-importance – everyone else is wrong because they are always right
- A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- Some sort of belief that they’re special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
- They have a need for excessive admiration – their insecurity and low self esteem might lead them to constantly seek reassurance that they are amazing.
- A sense of entitlement – that is that everyone owes them. They are right and others are wrong or simply don’t do the job to their satisfaction.
- Interpersonally exploitative behaviour – they manipulate and gaslight people and lie. If caught out they will make it somehow “your” fault.
- A lack of empathy – sometimes they may try to fake it – but they only really care for themselves.
- An envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
- A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviours or attitudes because they really are better than most.
That said, the “official” diagnostic criteria doesn’t make it easy to spot a narcissist, especially when you’re romantically involved with one. It’s usually not possible to determine if someone has NPD without the diagnosis of a qualified expert.
When someone is wondering whether they really are low value or whether they’re dating a narcissist, they generally aren’t thinking: “Do they have NPD?” They’re wondering if how they’re being treated is healthy and sustainable in the long-run.
Are you being valued?
Sometimes people will put up with the bullying, withering criticism, and downright nastiness. They remember, and long for, the loving and tender days when they were wooed. They also find that from time to time their partner is really nice and considerate.
If someone came on too strong at the beginning, be wary. We all love to feel lusted for. But real love has to be nurtured and grown. It shouldn’t be sudden intense and fleeting.
“If you think it’s too early for them to really love you, it probably is. Or if you feel like they don’t know enough about you to actually love you, they probably don’t.” Weiler
“Narcissists use other people — people who are typically highly empathic — to supply their sense of self-worth, and make them feel powerful. But because of their low self-esteem, their egos can be slighted very easily, which increases their need for compliments,” adds Shirin Peykar, LMFT.
Narcissists lack the skill to make you feel seen, validated, understood, or accepted because they don’t grasp the concept of feelings.
They pick on you constantly
Maybe at first it felt like teasing…. but then it got nasty or became constant.
Suddenly, everything you do, from what you wear and eat to who your friends are and even what you watch on TV, is a problem for them.
“They’ll put you down, call you names, hit you with hurtful one-liners, and make jokes that aren’t quite funny,” Peykar says. “Their goal is to lower other’s self-esteem so that they can increase their own, because it makes them feel powerful.”
What’s more, reacting to what they say only reinforces their behaviour. “A narcissist loves a reaction,” Peykar says. That’s because it shows them that they have the power to affect another’s emotional state.
A warning sign:
If they knock you down with insults when you do something worth celebrating, get away. “A narcissist might say ‘You were able to do that because I didn’t sleep well’ or some excuse to make it seem like you have an advantage that they didn’t have,” Tawwab says.
They want you to know that you’re not better than them. Because, to them, nobody is.
If you speak up and express your feelings about their disrespect, they will blame you for causing a fuss, call you crazy, and use it as further reason not to commit fully to you. If you don’t say a word, that also gives an unspoken message that you don’t deserve to be respected,”
They won’t necessarily see a disagreement as a disagreement. They’ll just see it as them teaching you some truth.
They’re also too busy talking about themselves to listen to you. First, your partner won’t stop talking about themselves, and second, your partner won’t engage in conversation about you.
Ask yourself: What happens when you do talk about yourself? Do they ask follow-up questions and express interest to learn more about you? Or do they always make it about them?
They don’t do emotion that belongs to others.
Does your partner care when you’ve had a bad day at work, argue with your best friend, or fall out with your parents? Or do they get bored when you express the things making you angry and sad?
They gaslight you:
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse, and it’s a hallmark of narcissism. Narcissists may spew blatant lies, falsely accuse others, spin the truth, and ultimately distort your reality.
Signs of gaslighting include the following:
- You no longer feel like the person you used to be.
- You feel more anxious and less confident than you used to be.
- You often wonder if you’re being too sensitive.
- You feel like everything you do is wrong.
- You always think it’s your fault when things go wrong.
- You’re apologising often.
- You have a sense that something’s wrong, but aren’t able to identify what it is.
- You often question whether your response to your partner is appropriate.
- You make excuses for your partner’s behaviour.
- You walk on eggshells all the time trying not to annoy them.
- “It’s all in YOUR head.” They did nothing wrong. It’s actually your fault because …
“They do this to cause others to doubt themselves as a way to gain superiority. Narcissists thrive off of being worshipped, so they use manipulation tactics to get you to do just that.
Good partners are able to recognise when they’ve done something wrong and apologise for it.
Sometimes they make sure that they hold the purse strings or own the house to have a hold over you. Perhaps they insist that you don’t have a job. This can give them mileage to criticise how you run the house or leave it untidy.
If you insist you’re finished with the relationship, they’ll make it their mission to hurt you for abandoning them. This can mean slagging their ex partner off on social media or with their friends.
“Their ego is so severely bruised that it causes them to feel rage and hatred for anyone who ‘wronged’ them. That’s because everything is everyone else’s fault. Including the breakup.” Peykar
How to prepare for a breakup with a narcissist
- Constantly remind yourself that you deserve better. Realise you really are good enough and worthy.
- Strengthen your relationships with empathetic friends.
- Build a support network with friends and family who can help remind you what is reality.
- Urge your partner to go to therapy.
- Get a therapist yourself.
“You cannot change a person with narcissistic personality disorder or make them happy by loving them enough or by changing yourself to meet their whims and desires. They will never be in tune with you, never empathic to your experiences, and you will always feel empty after an interaction with them,” Grace says.
“Narcissists can’t feel fulfilled in relationships, or in any area of their lives, because nothing is ever special enough for them,” she adds.
Essentially, you’ll never be enough for them, because they’re never enough for themselves.
“The best thing you can do is cut ties. Offer them no explanation. Offer no second chance. Break up with them and offer no second, third, or fourth chance.” Grace
Patterns of a Narcissist
So how did they become a Narcissist?
If you look at the parents you will often find one of them who is cold and manipulative.
They are often very controlling of their son or daughter and nobody is good enough for them.
They can be aggressive passively or otherwise – I have heard of a Mother in Law slapping her son’s wife. There is a famous case where a child had nut allergy so the Mother in Law deliberately fed the child nuts to disprove and undermine the parent. A quick visit to a Hospital was the outcome. This, of course, somehow became the fault of the parent. Withering criticism disguised or not is the order of the day. “Oh? Do you really think so?”
In some ways you can feel sorry for them because it is difficult for them to change – when they matter most to themselves. and everyone else is wrong. I’m sure we can think of political leaders who, when it is going right, just shows the world how amazing they are – but when it goes wrong it is rigged against them. They always have to win even if they actually lose.
They will target empaths because they feel that they can control them – this isn’t always a conscious decision. They will often enter relationships with people damaged by family or previous relationships.
Treatment
I tend to work with the victims in these situations, as there is not a great deal of chance of working with the narcissist, unless they really genuinely are prepared to recognise their behaviour and change.
We look to understand the dynamics of the situation and work on strategies and self esteem. We look to find the best outcome for you.
You cannot win with a controlling partner so it is no use battling them – they are past masters at manipulation.
According to Peykar, you may be in a relationship with a narcissist if you feel like your partner:
- Really doesn’t hear you or cares to hear you
- Wilfully won’t understand you
- Never takes responsibility for their part in the issue
- Will never try to compromise unless they are cornered.
Talk to me in confidence 07875720623
Email: grahamahowes@me.com
Disclaimer: Remember: This page isn’t meant to diagnose your partner. It’s meant to outline unacceptable behaviours and reactions in the context of a loving, equitable partnership. None of these signs point to a healthy relationship, NPD or not. And having one or six of these signs doesn’t make your partner a narcissist. Rather, it’s good cause for reevaluating whether or not you’re thriving in your relationship. You’re not responsible for their behaviour, but you are responsible for taking care of yourself .
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